Aging Gracefully? I’m Just Trying to Find Sesame Street.

 

As I get older, I’ve started wrestling with some questions we probably don’t ask enough.

Now that I’m my parents’ age—or worse, my grandparents’ age—when I thought I already knew everything, why don’t I feel as old as they looked? I swear, in my mind I’m still 28… until I stand up too fast and my knee plays a sound effect from an old wooden ship.

I’m hanging on to a few dark hairs on the top of my head like they’re the last lifeboats on the Titanic. But then I see pictures of my classmates from grade school, high school, or college and… bless their hearts… some of them look older than their parents do right now. It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Growing up, I assumed adulthood would come with wisdom. I’d finally crack the great mysteries of the universe like:

• Who really let the dogs out?

• Where’s the beef?

• How do you get to Sesame Street without taking a wrong turn into Fraggle Rock?

• Do I know the way to San Jose, or should I ask LeBron?

• Why doesn’t Dora just use Google Maps? The kid travels with a talking map and a fox in a mask—clearly she’s open to technology.

• Why do eggs come in flimsy cartons, but batteries—which can literally explode—come in packaging that requires a chainsaw?

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, but dish soap is made with “real lemons”?

• Why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection? At that point, catching the flu is the least of the worries.

• Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

• Why is pee-pee called “urine”? Shouldn’t it be “me-in”?

• Why do “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and the ABC song share the same melody? Who started that conspiracy?

• What exactly is Victoria’s secret, and why has no one leaked it yet?

• Why do we “put our two cents in” but only get “a penny for our thoughts”? No wonder the penny was eliminated—we weren’t using it right.

• Who wrote the Book of Love? And did they include pictures?

And while we’re here, let’s tackle the bonus round:

• Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dying?

• If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, how did it fall off?

• Why do we call it “after dark” when it’s really “after light”?

• Why isn’t the word “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

• If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

• Why do we say “sleep like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours screaming and demanding food?

• Why is the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• Why do we call it a “building” if it’s already built? Shouldn’t it be a “built”?

• Why do we say “heads up” when what we really mean is “duck”?

• And while we’re at it: Why does my back go out more than I do?

I hope I’m around long enough to get the answers to all this. Until then, stay curious, stay playful, and keep asking the ridiculous questions—because staying inquisitive keeps us young, my friends.